Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Don't Spread the Legs of My Heart


More often than not, bastards are born out of untamed passion.
Like a wild mustang roaming free on the plains of Red Indian territory, untamed passion is pure soul.
Some relationships are like bastards.
People ask me to love them. Somehow I have made them think that I am an emotional stud.
But I don’t have the time and neither do I have the money.
And I don’t believe in breeding bastards.
Nowadays, they don’t call me dad anymore

Insecurity


She said things are different. Her jet-black hair doesn’t agree. Her smile is like the wave which sprawls itself on the shore and recedes into nothingness. Momentary, beautiful and smooth. But something goes wrong, in the end. There is a slight, subtle holding back, before leaving the shore. The silkiness isn’t there.

His face is in the shadows. The soft yellow light from the table shade illuminates the room in round-ended patches. Colorful broken pieces of a porcelain vase lie in a pool of water on the floor. Like shot soldiers in a war. The petals are tired and drained.

Somewhere a taxi blows its horn. He makes a sign with his hand. She picks up her black bra from the bed.

He looks at her outstretched hand. With shaky fingers he counts the notes and keeps them on the table.

Slowly the footsteps fade through the hallway. And silence rules.

He has been sensing some change in her behavior for some days now. Perhaps she has hooked a new boyfriend. But he badly wanted her to stay in his life. He couldn’t bear the silence alone. He had never found anyone who could appreciate the simplicity of silence, as if, it whispered in his ears.

But nowadays, even taxis have become expensive and his income hasn’t increased.

He never felt guilty. He was just scared that she would leave him

The yellow cab weaved through the sparse traffic.

She had been going to his place for quite some time now. Staring out of the rear window, she wondered about how strange his behavior had been for the past few days. But she liked his fetish for silence.

She squinted at a tiny handheld mirror and removed a strand of hair from her clear face. She smiled as she reassured herself. Though deaf she was still young.

It was just that sometimes she felt scared that he would get bored of her.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

My House had a Pond

The brown ragged scraps of plywood clung morosely to the exposed wood, like burnt skin hanging from a scalded corpse. But the chairs were not dead. They were alive, with memories.


The walls of the claustrophobic kitchen were painted a forgotten jade green. Small rectangular windows, with thin rusty vertical rods overlooked a green scruffy lawn. The dining table took up most of the space. The aroma of ma’s mouth-watering dishes took everything.


The main gate of our house was black and foreboding. Iron sheets beaten into disheveled square leaves and blackened with thickly applied tar. Summer made them cry black tears.


A mature creeper, with thick-callused stems, flanked the gate. Pointed, dark green leaves thronged the sinewy branches. Summer nights were heavy with the intoxicating scent of its delicate white flowers, which bloomed in sinful ecstasy, only at night. The moon flirted erotically with the clouds among the coconut leaves. And ma used to sing me a lullaby. Later I learnt, the name of that creeper was ‘kamini’, meaning lusty woman.


Our ancestral house had a pond. The pond was filled with green water. In the crepuscular morning light shoals of fish used to come to the surface, hundreds of them, like grazing buffaloes, slowly moving across the rippling surface. Jackfruits hung like plump pregnant women, everywhere. There were litchi trees and bright red kingfishers. Everyone waited for the mangoes to appear. The breeze was innocent.


I was always afraid of snakes. Our house had many. Green ones, black ones. The most common were the water snakes. They were mossy green, with bright yellow bands, which gleamed in the sun. I watched them stalking the fish. Leisurely sashaying on the water, they would suddenly disappear beneath the surface, only to emerge fiercely, among a gullible shoal of fish. The snake would strike, fast and lethal. The struggling fish would be firmly carried to the muddy sloping bank. Death was slow but I could never make out whether it was due to fang bites or suffocation.


Winter would bring with it holidays. I spent them in my ancestral house. It was the season of the caterpillars. They would hang from branches, like long writhing pendulums in the breeze, suspended by invisible hair-thin threads. The ones I am talking about were black and hairy. And touching them would give you hours of painful stinging sensation.


The usually untidy lawns would be cropped. Rows of yellow dahlias would be painstakingly nurtured into adolescence. Red roses would also find a special mention in ma’s contrived garden. But something else fascinated me more. Mushrooms would appear out of nowhere, like miniature brown umbrellas dotting the grass. I dreamt of elves and fairies, unsuccessfully combing the grounds for signs of lilliputian smoking chimneys.


One day the train would again leave the musty station behind. Rows of parallel lines would crisscross to carry me to Delhi. There would be hours spent in grimy buses. There would be days of trying to figure out inductive logic in chilled classrooms. Perhaps the nights would be spent raping bottles of vodka. The choice would be lost between Wills Flake and Benson&Hedges. I would make promises, to break them the next morning.


Someone has placed a kamini creeper just outside my balcony in Delhi. For sometime now, I have been trying to figure out why.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Friday, June 02, 2006

Good Morning.

My nails have grown. My head feels heavy. Ghosts of burnt cigarettes haunt my windpipe. My lips are dry.

I never liked vodka. but I like getting drunk. After two large pegs the taste doesn't matter.

People say I have responsibilities. I agree.

People say I am weird. I agree.

People say I shouldn't smoke. I agree.

I say motivation is important. People don't agree.

long back, in a dust storm I lost my sight. Now it really doesn't matter.

Smiles. Fucked up smiles, are so beautiful.

But the heart doesn't feel anymore.

The well of guilt is dark and deep. The black water shimmers with silver diamonds.

I want a shot in my head. A 12 bore cartridge will feel good. It's better than acid rain on my skin.

One more in my heart.

The pain will end. Abruptly. Like the flutter left behind, by those fucked up smiles.

Perverse pencilling



The heat is stifling. Thoughts are like shadows. The moment I try to catch hold of one, it slithers through the gap in my fingers. The walls are struggling to keep the nausea at bay. The cold stone floor beneath my naked skin keeps me sane. A yellow mug of half stale tea awaits its fate with a lifeless grin. Perhaps it is smiling at my forced nudity.

I don’t care. There is enough of it on the idiot box nowadays.

I am using an Apsara extra dark pencil to scribble. The soft black lead is trying hard to survive my forceful thrusts. Her silver smooth gray skin is slippery with sweat. In the throes of mindless ecstasy she gathers momentum and continues till I let go.

She is spent. I am out of creative energy.

I turn on my back. Using my arms as pillows I look up at the white fan in the ceiling. The hot air fans my fire; suddenly I turn around and grab her by the waist. With a sharpener, I shave her head. With renewed passion I then finish what I started.

A writing assignment.

DO YOU TAKE DRUGS?

DO YOU HAVE SEX?

Compare the two. The shock value of the second one would be somewhat diluted if you incidentally fall among the modern types. Even then the first comment would still be 70% blasphemy to your conscience. My question to you is, “WHY?”

I am not campaigning for drugs. I am just asking for a piece of your ear so that I can leave a love bite. Well you see, the point I am trying to make is actually a question since truth is questionable. And I only speak the truth.

Condoms have not been invented to control only a ‘spurt’ in population. Their use gives everyone a level playing ground. Though some prefer to plug into each other to share mind-space, while standing. Nothing is unnatural about that. You tend to try out different angles to achieve the same explosive result.Drugs give you an angle. A different way of looking at life. A different perspective perhaps. Only in this case there is no climax. There is no sweat. No explosion. Only ecstasy.

A single condom murders more than one million sperms. A potential of one million human lives.The probability of a single drug wiping out even one of us is negligible compared to that.

Now you must be wondering how the hell this guy could have written such crap. My answer to that is….why the hell are you reading it then?Are you on drugs or what?